Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
