found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Holy sore nipples Batman
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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