don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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