He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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