I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
