If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
