The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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