Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i came on her dog
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM