I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
