i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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