The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
