I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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