Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
a search helicopter?!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
