He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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