Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
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My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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