does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
