bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
