I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
