can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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