How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
