Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
