If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think we might need a safe word for this...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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