well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
