from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Did I show you my penis last night?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
