Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
