if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize