a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
