I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
