I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?