i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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