If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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