remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
