So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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