I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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