Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
