The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
