Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
