Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
