ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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