Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
