Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
