He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
