Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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