Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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