Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
