just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
