im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
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Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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