what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
