I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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