I just pynch a tree in the face
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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