I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
