I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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