Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
