Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Randomize
