All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
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