Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
