I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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